"Sarah's in a good mood."

It's funny how people at work have gotten to the point where they can read me like a book. I have mixed feelings about it...yes, it's nice because that means we're in sync, but it means I spend a heck of a lot of time at work.

Things are going well. Work is good. School is good. Boy is good. I haven't really seen my friends the last week or so. I haven't made the best effort in all honesty. I did get to see Wheaton and Ashley this weekend and we saw Superbad, which was freaking hilarious. There were some parts when I wanted to punch the main character in the face and yell, "What the hell is wrong with you?" but you'll have that.

Overall, lame update. My apologies. I'm grabbing some lunch with Niki tomorrow, so that should be good. Oh, and I have tomorrow off, so if anyone wants to see my lovely face, you should give me a ring! <3

"Time after time."

So I picked out some new songs for my playlist, and it makes me happy. I am in a big Smashing Pumpkins mood...and they'll be in Normal Oct. 4. I have to somehow convince Stephanie's roommate to sell me one. Apparently, tickets sold out within five minutes of going on sale. Somehow this doesn't surprise me.

I apologize for not writing for two months. But if you check myspace, you've probably realized I've updated on there.

Rachel left for Boston. I cried a little but much less than I imagined I would. Jessie and Will live in Chicago now. I am (I guess you can call it) seeing a guy in Bloomington; it's just my luck I didn't even meet him until I'd already decided to leave ISU. I was made a manager in training at work.

School and training at work started this week...I've been trying to keep my mind off Rachel, and luckily, I have a lot to do. But I must admit that I am super tired. It's wearing on me right now. I am waiting up to talk to Sprinkle when he gets off work, and I don't know if I'm going to make it. I have been up since 7:30 this morning.


In news for the evening, my day was extremely hectic trying to get into classes. Got paid, w00t. And work was much better than normal, mainly because I was the only girl in the back after 7:00ish. I was supposed to hang out with Joe from work afterwards, but I didn't get off until 12:30 and I'm pooped. Oh, well! I'll try to keep this updated as much I feel the need to. Check the myspace, that will more than likely be more updated.

G'night, folks.

"If we're not enough..."

I'm blah. I was at an all-time low yesterday...I am still adjusting to my mood swings--I blame the hormones.

It's been a tiring last couple of weeks. I do my own thing constantly. Because I have to be away from the house so much (class and work), it almost seems like I have fewer responsibilities. I want to spend more time at home, but between Rachel and all my friends plus work and school, I don't get a lot of time to chill on the couch with Dad and Patty. Tomorrow I'll be home until I work tomorrow night, so that'll be some good down time.

I miss Ashley something fierce. I'm so glad she'll be back in a week, which means she'll probably be down in Springfield in about two weeks--I know she can't wait to see me. And believe it or not, she actually enjoys the Patch. And I miss Mom, I know she's having fun with Len. And Bobby...I need to see him and give him a hug.

Bekki and I are having a fun night on Thursday. We're getting dressed up, going to the mall to take pictures in the booths and walk around in our dresses, eating somewhere nice, and going to the park to take some pictures. I love goofing around with her, it makes me one happy camper.

I've recently noted that I have four girls, besides Rachel, that I would consider a best friend. It always frustrate me when people say you can only have one best friend. Not true in my case. I have two at ISU, two here at home, but all four are from different circles of friends and have different attitudes about so many things. I'm really afraid my friendships with the girls from ISU are going to deteoriate, which is absolutely the last thing I want to happen.

My internet is down so excuse my lack of anything internet. I'm running late to class, but I thought I would drop a line. Hope everyone is doing well.

Some things here are very frustrating (namely a couple of people who will remain nameless) but on the whole everything is going really well. Rachel spends more and more time with her boyfriend. I like him, but sometimes he says things in a joking manner than make me want to tear him in half--that's my uber over-protective big sister in me. He better watch out. ;)

*awkward silence*

The internet is magically back up and running so I am on the interent, obviously...at 2:30am.

Revelations of the week:
-I am turning into a bit of a hippie. Not in dress, mind you, but in the fact that I'm getting more and more liberal in my political views and the people I've recently gotten closer to.
-I am a friend of convenience. This is both a good and a bad thing.
-I really don't like boys right now. It's just a down time for them...not really appreciating them at all.
-I am very busy.
-Gretchen Wilson will be at the State Fair along with Daughtry (separate night of course).

We had to take this political placement test online for my politics class, and I was on the line between liberal and communitarian. It's not where I placed myself before the test, but then again I didn't really think that all my opinions on policies and current issues added up would make me liberal (now that I've thought about it, it makes sense).

Kristen is the only person from high school (with the exception of the Leber boys) that I talk to on a regular basis. With everyone else, we only really hang out on breaks and such. Bekki I didn't really become close with until right after we graduated, but between Bekki and Kristen...there lies the continual friendship.

I was supposed to hang out with a friend, and I found out later the reason was because he/she got laid. If said friend had called me to tell me this, I wouldn't have been bothered too much, but because I found out from someone else after the fact, I am pretty pissed. Yeah, this is somewhat amusing to other people...but I think if you knew the situation, you wouldn't be laughing so hard. I feel like this person only calls me when he/she needs a little self-esteem boost because I seem to provide that through moral support or something to that effect, but as soon as a better opportunity comes along, I'm left in the dust. I will not remain a doormat, thank you.

"I left you a present!"

So what's happened since my last entry? My baby sister graduated from high school--and I didn't cry. I was very proud of myself. And her. As Jessie mentioned, the quote of the day (perhaps even the year) was Rachel talking about her presents, which were laying in her lap--a bottle of margarita mix, a fleece blanket, and a MIT beaver from one of those build-a-bear places. "I can get drunk and curl up with my blanket and my beaver!" Jessie and I were laughing so hard, I was crying actually. No one heard what she said so we had to relay the message to the rest of the family with the exception of Aunt Mae. I don't think any of Rachel's friends really understood. But that's okay.

I've been talking to Kyle more, which is a good thing. It's nice to know that I'll have someone else to hang out with who lives at home. The only downside is that our schedules don't match up very well. One of us always seems to be working. We both had last night off and were supposed to hang out but that didn't work out because he fell asleep. Oh, well.

Rachel and I had a pity party the other night. She came in kind of upset because it's finally hitting her that she's leaving everything behind. Everything. Her boyfriend, her family, all her friends...she is going to miss us all tremendously, not that I can blame her. I don't think I'd be able to go so far away not knowing anyone. But her friend Becca is going to be in Connecticut, only an hour and a half away so that will be of some help. We went to the truck stop (because DQ was closed) and got pints of Hagen-Daaz and some chips then proceeded to watch two episodes of Law & Order. I gotta tell you that Rachel and I are certainly easy to please.

"He got me the hook-up!"

Kristen and I are currently talking about her new car...'05 Toyota Corolla.

I am still floating in some rain cloud. I have to say that it's finally hitting me how much I miss Ashley. She left for London last Thursday and should be in Ireland by tomorrow.

I'm hanging out with Kristen tomorrow...we need it. And Rachel is graduating on Saturday. I'm going to look hot. And we're having a family meeting on Saturday. We all know Mom's moving; the question is when.

"She's got such a pretty face but she feels like a disgrace."

What was that? Sarah is in one of her depressing moods again? Bingo.

The only person I've really talked to on the phone for the past three days has been Ashley, with the exception of Bekki. She is leaving tomorrow...her plane leaves at 6:00pm for London. She and Erica will be flying there then to Milan and Paris and somewhere else I can't remember before starting classes. I'm going to miss her.

Going to see Pirates tomorrow night because that's when it opens and that's just how we roll. I'm going to Party Tree to see if we can find eye patches and some hats. Might as well play the part, you know?

Something feels really wrong. I can't put my finger on it just yet, but I'm sure to find out soon. I'm hoping that it'll be quick, like a bandaid. I know I don't have it together, and that's what sucks the most.

I start work Friday night. I didn't want to work, I don't really want to do anything. I'd be happy if money didn't exist or I had enough of it. I wish gas prices would come down. I want to stop crying every time I think about Rachel leaving; it's a hard habit to break. I am thankful for the people around me, but I wish I wasn't such a burden to them. I really hate myself sometimes.

"You're awesome. No one else would have done that."

I've been home for a week. It's been good to lounge around and do things at my leisure.

Mom's birthday was on Wednesday so we went out to celebrate on Tuesday. Wednesday I went to Kaylin's soccer game. Thursday we had a girls' night in, which was a blast. And Ashley took the train in yesterday to spend the night, left today. We saw Wheaton and Loopy last night...it was good seeing them.

I have to admit that I am pretty tired right now but content. I'm extremely glad to be home. :)

"Are you happy?"

Am I? I'm glad to be done with finals. I'm not so happy that I have to chill here until Sunday. But it's alright...I'm going to sleep, eat, and do a whole lot of nothing, except checking people out of their rooms. And I have to take down everything in my room and pack on Saturday.

I feel like such a complainer right now, so I won't say too much more. I cried when I watched the Nanny tonight. It was the series finale rerun...I'm a loser. And way to weepy as of late.

"Watch me as I gravitate."

My first final today was alright. The multiple choice section was super easy, but the short answer was tricky...I'm glad I studied as much as I did. My weather final at 7:50am tomorrow is going to suck. A lot. And I have another one at 10, which won't be too bad since it's literary narrative. I need to finish reading Metamorphosis, but I only have ten pages to go or so.

It's been harder to say goodbye then I thought. Some friends have already left. Tonight was the Encounter pancake dinner...I had to say goodbye to most of my friends there because they're all going home or are too busy to hang out before I leave on Sunday. It's especially hard to say bye to the girls in my small group; I've come to love all of them a lot.

Right now I am putting off some further studying. And to maybe rant a little. It's ridiculous how often I've heard marriage mentioned lately. It's all over the place! HeyYu and I joked about how we're probably going to be the only two of the Lunch Buddies are still single come Niki's wedding in August 2009. We'll be the only ones not seriously committed to someone...so many of the girls were knew are getting married. I feel absolutely feel the heat. I think I'm feeling it from myself mostly. Phew. Right now I am completely content with my friends. I can do what I want when I want and with whom I want. Not that I wouldn't be able to do that when I am dating someone. But geeze. Boys complicate things so much. And why do people come to me for dating advice when I've been the single longest next to Cathy? I don't understand this. Is it because they think I've seen it all? Oh, well.

I'm going to miss my complete independence here at school while I'm home for the summer. Yeah, I'm ready to be home, but I'll be bitching about how I ain't got no respect and have to check in with the 'rents in a few weeks. My room here at school is larger than my room at home, lol, which is mostly due to the fact that my bed at home is large. Oh, well. :) Still excited!!!!!!!!

G'night, folks.

"Could you..."

So Ashley was closing a car door and accidentally broke Whitney's thumb. Whoops. She obviously feels horrible, but it wasn't something she wanted to do on purpose. They spent over an hour in the ER.

I'm on duty tonight...and right now I am craving a gondola from Avanti's like nobody's business. I have almost no money on my redbird card so I'm going to be ordering some take-out this week anyway.

This weekend was awesome. It was super busy...I didn't get much sleep, but I still enjoyed myself immensely. Friday Rachel and I went to see Spiderman 3 with Bekki, Wyatt, Steve, and Wyatt's friend Chris. Saturday we babysat while Bobby mowed then we went to the PARK concert. I was kind of disappointed with some of the opening bands...I'm not as big a fan of screamo as I once was. But PARK was simply amazing. My only objection was the moshing and rushing the crowd. We were in a small space with a lot of people...not perfect conditions for the tiny girls who were standing in front of us, especially since we ended up on the edge of mosh arena.

Lots to do this week: studying, taking finals (one Tuesday, two Wednesday, on Thursday), checking my residents out. Can't wait for it to be over in a week!!!!!!!!

"I'm going to draw a picture..."

Okay, so none of you will really get this, but I thought it was rather hilarious. This is what you get after your sugar fix in Chatter's at 11:30pm. Tom the eucalyptus tree, Stacey the koala, Stefanie and I are apparently the Croc Hunter and his wife.

I'll be home in 29 hours. And now I have to go work on a paper, thank you. :)

"I never knew that everyone is waiting on a cue."

I have a countdown going. Today was really busy, but I'm still working on my psych paper that is due tomorrow.

I've just noticed how much my plant is growing. Fran finds the environment suitable, I guess. This made my night actually. That and the fact that I'm finishing up the second season of LOST.

I'm hoping tomorrow is as productive as today.

And my room is getting really hot. This is the only downside to the dorm--no air conditioning. I will survive, though...it's still cooler than Atkin because they still have the heat on.

Have a good night, folks!

"Well, I ain't never been the Barbie doll type."

I wrote a long entry about a boy. But I changed my mind.

I am tired of everything. I'm burned out. I'm ready to be done. Such is the life of this procrastinator.

All I've done this week is sleep in too late and watch too many episodes of LOST. I was on duty last night. I've been feeling particularly antisocial lately, even though I've been hanging out with my friends still. We're getting towards the end of the year, and while they want to spend more time together because we'll all be leaving shortly, I want to sit in my room, eat my food from Wal*Mart, and watch TV. My brain has seriously shut off...I know several entries previous to this one have stated something along those lines, but it's so true. Have two papers due this week and one final, four finals next week. And then I have to check people out of their rooms. I'm waiting for Thursday of next week when I'll be done academically.

Four days until I get to sleep in my bed. Four days until Spiderman 3, five days until PARK. Yes.

"Would you help me stand?"

So it has been a long week...but it was much better than the last. The muscle relaxers made it a lot easier to sleep at night.

Siblings weekend was a lot of fun! I'm really glad Rachel could make it up here. On Friday, we went to the 60s dance that Encounter hosted...they played all old school music. The funny thing is that it's hard to dance to because we're so used to hard rock and all that sex-with-no-clothes dancing. So what did I do? I started to dance like Mom because I figured it was her era, she knew what she was doing. My friends kept saying things like "Wow, that is so cool--where did you learn to dance like that?" Thank you, Mommy. Saturday, Rachel and I spent the afternoon outside between Kick Out and Spring Fest on the Quad. Needless to say, we both got sunburned. And we saw Lucky Boys Confusion. It was amazing until I got kicked in the head by a crowd surfer then I was done and we headed out.

I started a job last week as the recycling person for Walker Hall, which means I take all the recycling outside to the designated place and I work on my own time. I don't like it at all but it's a little extra cash...and it's only about 1.5 hours every two days so it's not too time-consuming. Oh, and speaking of recycling, we had a program yesterday where we used old water bottles to make a potted plant. Mine is sitting on my desk, Fran the Flower. The seeds obviously haven't grown yet but I made flowers out of pipe cleaners hoping that this would encourage the seeds a little.

I'm currently not in a very good mood...I have an inkling why. I really enjoy listening to the music on my myspace. Gensis and Carole King are making me feel a little better. I think part of the bad mood is due to a very frightening dream I had during my afternoon nap.


I was on the cast for a movie being filmed on ISU's quad, which btw did not look like the quad at all--it looked more like a huge valley. It was about African tribal wars (tribes from totally different time periods), and I was part of the Egyptian tribe. Anyway, we're filming and a huge group of people who just left a frat party walk by and I know some of them. Pretty soon the actors who were playing parts of the tribes turn their war against the on-lookers because it turns real or something, so I take off with my friends towards Hamilton-Witten. Grandma and Grandpa Spengler show up in Aunt Susan's big SUV; my friends and I jump into the car and Bobby Joe is in his little VW behind us with some more of my friends. Grandma insists that we stop for pie so we do but then the tribes are catching up to us so Grandma, who is driving, peels out of this pie place while Grandpa tells us to hang on. We start driving the wrong way down Main Street (it's one-way), and Bobby's car comes out of nowhere and it's smoking. We can't stop so we hit him and I get out to check on him and he's disappeared; my friends try to get back to the SUV but the tribes have caught up with the stopped car so Grandma tells me to run back to the dorms while she fends up tribal members with a spear. My friends run into Witten where my freshmen boys live and all the lights are off because the whole camus knows that the tribes are out for blood. Bobby just so happens to be in their room with the other friends, and I woke up when the whole dorm was under siege.

Now that I go back and read that it's not scary at all. But it was absolutely terrifying in my dream. Geesh.

"Okay, Oscar the Grouch..."

Yeah, I'm grumpy.

This weekend was pretty amazing. Relay for Life was simply amazing. I was really worn out by the end, but it's all good. I only made it until 3:30 when I called it quits...they shut the whole thing down at 5 because it had been raining. The muscle relaxers make me more tired than I should be. The whole slew of us made over $144,000, which is just...mind-blowing. I slept all of yesterday and went to Spring Formal last night. I danced my heart out, got laughed at, but enjoyed myself immensely. I have pictures up on facebook and myspace--it'll take me a little bit to get pictures up on photobucket.

Ashley is back from home. I haven't seen her yet. Which makes me very sad.

--EDIT--

I have been finding fault in people a lot today. What makes me angry the most is that I tend to share those faults...I have the same insecurities. I guess it's good that I can recognize the hypocrisy of it all.

"The latest just in!"

I took some of my residents to see ISU's production of West Side Story. The girl who was sitting next to me had never seen it before and wasn't sure really what to expect. When it came to the end...Tony sees Maria after Doc tells him that Chino shot Maria for their love ...they reach for one another...Chino lifts his gun and shoots Tony, and almost simultaneously, the girl next to me screams bloody murder. Everyone laughed and moved on. I couldn't stop laughing. I was crying I was laughing so hard. And as Maria sat with Tony's head in her lap and crying his name, I laughed louder than I would have liked. I laughed the whole way home and I am still laughing.

In other news, I sprained a muscle in my neck while stretching shortly after waking up. So now I am on muscle relaxers and pain killers. Go me. I can move my neck all the way to the left but not much to the right. I received a pamphlet containing instructions to exercise my neck...it also has pictures in case I stumble on the words. The muscle relaxers make me feel very groggy. I'm not too happy about this because I have to write a paper for tomorrow and have all that stuff to do this weekend.

But all-in-all, it's been an alright day. I am just in a haze...I'm hoping I will be out by tomorrow afternoon. Ashley went home tonight because one of her best friends from home had a little brother that killed himself on Tuesday morning and her little sister also happened to date him. Sixteen-years-old. Ashley's roommate's uncle is the hospital on the brink of dying. So much death...

All one can do is pray.

"Give me a glass and pour me some more chardonnay."

I almost just cut my hair. Again. Just in one of those moods...

But then I thought, It still hasn't recooperated from the last time I chopped it all off.

I'm glad I'm keeping my hair's opinion in mind...

"No real reason to accept the way things have changed."

I cried myself to sleep last night. I ached for Lynlea all night. I just hurt for her. I felt so sick knowing I can't do a single thing to ease any of her pain.

You know what I do when something like this happens to me? I get busy so I don't have to think about it. But when it comes time for me to fall asleep, I can't because I am overwhelmed and just end up crying too much. I push my grief away from anyone's view...I don't like crying in front of people, especially if they're outside the family. I hate crying in front of people. For me, it's reserved for my pillow, my stuffed animals, and my dog. Max used to sit with his head in my lap while I cried...I couldn't ask for anyone better.

Things Bekki said in her blog and things I've been thinking about seem to correlate. She feels like she's lost hope, she wishes she was more appreciative of her life before graduating high school. Let's face it...no one is super appreciative of being a teenager in high school. Only in retrospect do we decide that we enjoyed being an adolescent. I am appreciative now...why shouldn't I be? I had three parents who loved me as much as they loved my sisters, I went to a good high school and got a great education, I turned out pretty well (at least I'd like to think so). I am grateful for having so much in my life. And it's true what they say about life being short. Why shouldn't we say what we mean? Tell someone you love them because it might be the last time you talk. I don't want to live with regrets. I know I've said it before but I mean it every single time.

Damn, I'll be optimistic until the end. I feel like I need to be that for anyone and everyone. Someone has to have faith, someone needs to believe that there is purpose in everyone's lives. I don't know if I can be optimistic enough to meet everyone's quota, but I'll try. I know right now I have to be optimistic for Bekki. She feels like she's drowning...and even though I can't swim all that well, I'll be there to yank her out.


And I don't say this enough. I love my family. Immensely. I love Bobby for being the cool older brother I always wanted and laughing at me when I am being super immature. I love Jessie for (in a particular instance) not knowing the answers but telling me she would help me find them. I love Rachel because she listens to everything I say, and even though she knows I'm an idiot sometimes she still knows that I have love her more than anything in this world. I love Mom for still wanting to dye Easter eggs even though her daughters are 18, 20, and 25. I love Dad for knowing that if I'm upset all he has to do is says he loves me and I feel a million times better. And I love everyone who can still take me seriously even after singing all the lyrics to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls.

And I will tell you one more thing that I am thankful for: all my friends. They're all fabulous in their own individual ways...I couldn't ask for a better bunch. There are so many people I feel comfortable with, so many I could call a best friend. I'll be honest, it is so hard for me to designate a particular friend to be labeled "best." So thank you for singing with me in the car, for walking around downtown taking pictures like we were tourists, for getting Luca's or ice cream a million times, for having sleepovers, for getting sick on too many Twizzlers, for helping me walk to the bathroom because I was too intoxicated, for letting me take so many damned pictures, for crying with and for me, for making fun of my height, for helping me get ready for a dance, for being at my concerts, for giving me so many hugs, for accepting me for my extremely boitserous self even though you're not, for listening, for calling me at 3am bawling your eyes outs, for widening my taste in music, for gossiping with me, for helping me decorate my hallways and put up door decs. For all of you, I love you. Each and every one of you. Most of the people that I wish would read that won't. But I love you...

...and you...
...and you...
...and you...

In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else