"No real reason to accept the way things have changed."

I cried myself to sleep last night. I ached for Lynlea all night. I just hurt for her. I felt so sick knowing I can't do a single thing to ease any of her pain.

You know what I do when something like this happens to me? I get busy so I don't have to think about it. But when it comes time for me to fall asleep, I can't because I am overwhelmed and just end up crying too much. I push my grief away from anyone's view...I don't like crying in front of people, especially if they're outside the family. I hate crying in front of people. For me, it's reserved for my pillow, my stuffed animals, and my dog. Max used to sit with his head in my lap while I cried...I couldn't ask for anyone better.

Things Bekki said in her blog and things I've been thinking about seem to correlate. She feels like she's lost hope, she wishes she was more appreciative of her life before graduating high school. Let's face it...no one is super appreciative of being a teenager in high school. Only in retrospect do we decide that we enjoyed being an adolescent. I am appreciative now...why shouldn't I be? I had three parents who loved me as much as they loved my sisters, I went to a good high school and got a great education, I turned out pretty well (at least I'd like to think so). I am grateful for having so much in my life. And it's true what they say about life being short. Why shouldn't we say what we mean? Tell someone you love them because it might be the last time you talk. I don't want to live with regrets. I know I've said it before but I mean it every single time.

Damn, I'll be optimistic until the end. I feel like I need to be that for anyone and everyone. Someone has to have faith, someone needs to believe that there is purpose in everyone's lives. I don't know if I can be optimistic enough to meet everyone's quota, but I'll try. I know right now I have to be optimistic for Bekki. She feels like she's drowning...and even though I can't swim all that well, I'll be there to yank her out.


And I don't say this enough. I love my family. Immensely. I love Bobby for being the cool older brother I always wanted and laughing at me when I am being super immature. I love Jessie for (in a particular instance) not knowing the answers but telling me she would help me find them. I love Rachel because she listens to everything I say, and even though she knows I'm an idiot sometimes she still knows that I have love her more than anything in this world. I love Mom for still wanting to dye Easter eggs even though her daughters are 18, 20, and 25. I love Dad for knowing that if I'm upset all he has to do is says he loves me and I feel a million times better. And I love everyone who can still take me seriously even after singing all the lyrics to "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls.

And I will tell you one more thing that I am thankful for: all my friends. They're all fabulous in their own individual ways...I couldn't ask for a better bunch. There are so many people I feel comfortable with, so many I could call a best friend. I'll be honest, it is so hard for me to designate a particular friend to be labeled "best." So thank you for singing with me in the car, for walking around downtown taking pictures like we were tourists, for getting Luca's or ice cream a million times, for having sleepovers, for getting sick on too many Twizzlers, for helping me walk to the bathroom because I was too intoxicated, for letting me take so many damned pictures, for crying with and for me, for making fun of my height, for helping me get ready for a dance, for being at my concerts, for giving me so many hugs, for accepting me for my extremely boitserous self even though you're not, for listening, for calling me at 3am bawling your eyes outs, for widening my taste in music, for gossiping with me, for helping me decorate my hallways and put up door decs. For all of you, I love you. Each and every one of you. Most of the people that I wish would read that won't. But I love you...

...and you...
...and you...
...and you...

In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else