"I walked to the front door and I hear my sister whisper/shout my name from the bushes."

Lunch today was great. I ate with Emily, Lauren, and Eric from LinC and this kid Keith Lauren knows. Keith lives in Atkin, too, so that's cool. Emily and I decided that Lauren and Eric need to date. They're both extremely likeable and would make a good match. And the way he looks at her is freaking cute. Neither one of us is going to say anything so we hope it happens on its own. They both agreed by the end of lunch that they needed to find someone down here. Why not?

I was up waay later than I should have been last night and reap the consequences this morning when it took all I had to convince myself to attend class. But I guess it is worth it. I need to get going on my homework because Kristen is coming down this weekend so I need to prioritize. Lauren and Emily want me to go pre-gaming with them on Friday. Lol, we're trying to get the TA for LinC to go with us. On his facebook, he belongs to sex and alcohol addicts groups. We've seen him around with some girls but we are all positive he likes boys a hell of a lot more. Go Rafa.

I really am not sure what to do. Not in a bad, emo sadness way. More like the I know deep down I should say no but my head and lovely heart are like "hell yeah." I think I will say no. But I might say yes. Better to say no. instead of arguing with people about it, I am arguing with myself.

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Walk like an Egyptian
The blonde waitresses take their trays
They spin around and they cross the floor
They've got the moves (oh whey oh)
You drop your drink then they bring you more
All the school kids so sick of books
They like the punk and the metal band
When the buzzer rings

iTunes is great. Walk Like An Egyptian--Bangles

"You're trying to justify a bad choice."

Why fall into something you know is doomed? Because even if it is doomed, at least there is a comfort there, knowing that you have this relationship even if it is unstable. Go figure. Don't you love the way things work out? Beaten children stay with their abusive parents because they fear something unknown, different; they even love the person who hurts them most. I keep falling into this trap for comfort's sake.

Sarah is not feeling that much better. Scott is getting around without his crutches--at least while in Manchester. I helped him to run some errands inbetween chem and the bus to work. Tonight was my worst night of work yet. I did four sittings, only one of which went really well. My sales is still kind fo shaky because it is extremely difficult to remember all the prices and codes. I know I'll get used to it eventually...but for now, it's difficult. Dallas drove me home since he got off work slightly early. We went to Chatters and I came home with my flavored-water. Hadn't checked my email since yesterday morning, so I remedied that. My lip is swollen and achy and I am pretty sure it's because I hit my head on the baseball bleachers yesterday.

Dallas told me I am not acting like myself.

Megan, thank you for the surprise call-I appreciate it more than you know. Kristen, thank you for allowing me to pour my heart out; you're the best friend a girl could ask for. Katharyn, I heart you dearly, my darling; you are fantastic. Matt, you know me so well to send me an emo song to make me feel better. <3 you.

Train roll on, many miles from my home.
See, I'm riding my blues away.
Tuesday, you see, she had to be free.
But somehow, I've got to carry on.

Tuesday's gone with the wind

Lynryd Skynyrd + Armor For Sleep = greatness.

"Sarah, this is Scott."

Just got off the phone with him. He and Sarah were in a car accident earlier today. Bad enough to put both of them in the ER. He is on crutches and had to get eight stitches. I don't even know how badly she was hurt, though I know she hasn't been immobilized. I quite literally feel sick to my stomach. I hope that they'll both be better this week. Hope Scott's vicadin helps and Sarah gets some sleep.

Thank God they weren't more hurt than they were. Thank You.

"On a Saturday night, a Saturday night..."

Yep. I'm sitting here on a Saturday night. By myself. Eistir's mom, little brother Casey, and step-dad Mark came down to take her to dinner, which is cool. Her mom is super nice. ;) She made us brownies.

Last night was a little crazy, I'll admit. I'm not sure how much I want to mention, but the gist of it was that Jake ended up sleeping on our floor. Apparently, I wake up when other people start to move because I woke around nine when Jake did...he complained about making him sleep on the floor instead of in one of our beds. After giving him a little backrub, I jokingly said he sounded like Aunt Mae to which he told me about her little ride on the bicycle. I guess she fell off onto concrete. Whoops. Checked him out of the room all right and he went about on his merry way. We cut through Southside to Hamitlon-Whitten and I saw Aaron from LinC working behind the front desk so I ended up talking to him for twenty minutes or so.

Went back to bed and woke up close to 2:00 when Eistir did. We ate and showered and blahblahblahed until her parents came and I left to go to the Normal Theater to se Ladies in Lavender. REALLY GREAT MOVIE! On my way back, there was a guy about five feet behind me all the way from the theater to my dorm which freaked me out so I called Kevin. I ended up talking to Brian about last night and Kevin told me he would call me when he gets home.

Now I am watching TV and am thinking about reading Jane Austen. Yeah.

"Would you rather have sex with me or stab me in the face?"

I guess not wanting to have sex with someone that is completely unattainable anyway is a blow to the ego. Wyatt gets so upset when we talk about me wanting him. Because there is no probability of it ever happening. I love him, yes, but in that older brother manner. And we actually had a "philosophical" conversation about the above mentioned question. How could I? I would never be able to stab him in the face even if he did something horrendous towards myself, like stabbing me first. As for sex, NO. Never. Ever never never. It's not that it is me not wanting him, it's that it's me not wanting him. Pride is such an awful thing on occasion.

Jake called me twice tonight. Once he didn't even speak. The second time he asked me where I was, told me he was drunk, asked me the strangest freaking question in the world, then proceeded to tell me he was staying with me and would call me in a little while. I hope he gets drunk enough to forget. In all likeliness, it is doubtful since it just started to rain. He'll remember and come into my room soaked with rain. Great. No matter what I am not cleaning and he is most definitely sleeping on the floor.

I read Zena's blog. I read Jessie's, too. I am so sad. I wish they would both update more often if only for my reading pleasure. I miss everyone so much. I wish I could come home more often or at least talk to them more often. I don't want to bother anyone or be annoying...especially with Rachel. Since when did she grow up and become so involved? God, I miss her. She's so involved with Key Club and wants to go to MIT. Geeze. How far away is that?? Extremely. Look at how much I miss her when she is an hour away, just think how it would be when she moved that much further away. I didn't expect her to stay the same yet it seems so difficult to accept the concept of change in my mind. I wish I didn't feel like this, bad for the world not revolving around me. It never did, it never will. I've always known that no matter how much I hide it from myself.

Oh, emo lou. emo lou. emo lou.

I wish I wasn't so sad on a Friday night and I didn't call friends and say moronic things that make them quiet because they don't know how to respond. I am the queen. emo lou.

vk, dfvks dvkS D.L msdjbdfg ndfglmd

Rawr. I had this entry all typed, though short it might have been and my internet decides to update my iTunes. Geeze, Louise. Basically, I feel frustrated. I don't know why I feel the way I do. Not happy, not angry, not laughing, not crying. More indifferent than anything else.

I no longer fear being alone. I know I am not.
I now fear being void. Of anything and everything, clearly emotion.
I guess frustation is an emotion, but certainly not one I wish to endure much longer.
Feeling locked within a shell seems unnatural.
Let me go.

"The sounds in this small town hurt my ears."

Gah, for lack of a better quote...listening to FOB obviously. This girl in my comm class and I were discussing how it sucks how cool bands become commercialized and the guy sitting next to me started making fun of us. But he asked something, "Well, if you were them, you'd be wanting to make money doing what you love, wouldn't you?" Yeah. But commercialization? Geeze. It somehow loses its lovliness when "adoring" fans with next to no knowledge of the band buy it because they hear one "cool song" on the radio. Whatev. Like that?

I awoke to an extremely bad hair day. You don't want to know how bad. So I put on my Mizzou hat because apparently I am a traitor to my school and my GTU hoodie and headed to class. Didn't even bother changing out of my cut-up yoga pants I have slept in. And I have successfully managed to go over two weeks without doing my laundry. Muahaha. I think that is probably the first time since I was thirteen or so. Wow. Not because I didn't have enough clothes, just because I like really clean clothes. Whenever I want to do laundry, someone is in the slot, so I am scheduled to do it between 1:00 and 3:00 on Wednesday before choir. Mmm, clean laundry.

Tonight I have to write a reflection paper on volunteering last weekend. And I might as well type up my journal entry for LinC and work on my research log while I am at it. Bleh. After choir, I am headed over to Movie Fan to drop off the movies and perhaps pick up some others. I am really disappointed that Sense and Senibility and Emma were on VHS and not DVD. Darn it...I really wish I had a VHS player here. Must look for one at some point--I knew I should have bought one at FamVid during the summer when they were only $15. Can't beat that, right? Well, anyway, Jimmy John's sounds very yummy right now. I can say the only food I have gotten off-campus since I've been here is Harvest Bread Co., so it's about time I expanded my horizons. And I was also thinking about stopping at the College Town to check out the much cheaper sweatshirts and other decore. Mom needs her decal and I could use another hoodie or two and some sweatpants that I don't have to change out of once I wake up. XD

Good night, folks.

"How did you feel about those Hungry Hungry Hippos?"

I just watched Donnie Darko. I was planning on renting it last night after my excursion to the Normal Theater but instead called Katharyn on way back through the quad. She was telling me how she had just seen it the day before and told me to rent it. Hmm. After spending the majority of my day sleeping, I went to Movie Fan to rent Mansfield Park, Donnie Dark, and American Wedding. Eistir just got home so we are watching Seven. Yep. A day almost completely filled with movies.

I am checking all the syllabi to find any homework I might have missed. G'night. :)

"I just hope that the carpet matches the drapes!"

The past two days have been very bed-oriented. I am not feeling like myself, and in order to distract myself, I have taken to bed and reading Sense and Sensibility. I like it so far...I really like Jane Austen.

Yesterday I was walking in next to Southside from class and Micah say me from the microwave next to the window so he ran to open the door for me and shake my hand. What a cute kid. He sent me an email today about the retreat this weekend, and I am almost positive I am going. We'll be spending the night in a cabin. I would feel better if Sarah went with me, but I know that the Navs are going to the Morton Pumpkin Festival tomorrow, so she might want to go with them instead. I guess we'll see how things go.

Kristen is coming to see me next weekend!!! How exciting is that? Extremely. I get to see one of my girls finally. :) I talked to Corrie last night, too, which was great. I love hearing from her...I miss them so much.

"Shiny promenade of effervescence."

I am talking to Kevin on AIM right now. I am just sad right now. I don't want to explain it all. This is the first time I have felt like this since I moved here. Here is telling me a story about how he got followed after school today...I love it when he tries to distract me. At least he's making an effort to make my mind off things. All you gotta do is try.

So now I sit listening to Gym Class Heroes. It isn't helping, my mood music. I wish I could get out of this...mood, feeling, emotion, cloud.

I realize that everytime a new number pops up on my phone I secretly wish it was a certain person. But how would he get my number? I feel like if he tried hard enough he could find it. I wish he would. What would happen if he did? What would we gain? Nothing more than likely...we'd end up back where we were over a year ago. Could we start over? I wish we could. There was comfort, safety, love, calm. But I have realized I am afraid of committment. I always used to tease Mia about it, but she wasn't one afraid, it's me. I have been asked out a few times, yet I cannot say yes. I just can't. I miss him. I miss us.

I had a really terrifying dream about Rachel dying in a car accident. It made me so upset. That was part of the reason why I didn't want to wake up. She died. A semi hit her. She wasn't breaking any rules or laws, he just ran over the camaro. Jessie came up to tell me. I went home with her...I didn't come back for God knows how long. I didn't want to do anything, I could not function. The night before the wake I called my girls and Wyatt to ask them to come, to be there with me. The entire thing just sickens me. I don't want to even think about it anymore.

Good night.

"Mysteriousness my foot, you poser."

I heart facebook. I have much more friends now and that makes me happy. Liam has a scary picture. Eee.

I had an actual post for the last entry, but I don't know where it escaped to. Meh.

A little bit of my high school drama needs to leave my system, so here goes. One of my friends told me that she was sad I was going away to school because she was worried we wouldn't be close anymore. Well, I have tried to call her, yet she doesn't return my calls even if I leave a voicemail. When I do get a hold of her, it's always, "I haven't talked to you in so long. This and this and this has happened. Oh, sorry, hon, I gotta go because (insert name) just put a movie in. You should call me more often. Bye!" Would that frustrate you? It does me, but not to the point where it consumes my day. It mainly just upsets me when I have one of those conversations. Ultimately, my girls from high school will stop talking to me one by one. It's starting to happen, which really saddens me, but at the same time, I know I don't call all of them frequently, though I have been good at calling some of them as of lately. Yet I feel like I shouldn't be the one to call them all the time...I just know it will happen like that.

I'm going to be the fat farm mom who makes all the calls and arrangements to pull the girls together in fifteen or twenty years for a nice reunion. I will still have all the connections and no one else will have regular contact with anyone else. I just know it. I hope I am wrong even in the teensiest detail. Someone prove me wrong, please. I am usually the one who pulls get-togethers off now, I can't imagine that will change five kids later (I exaggerate, of course).

I am not ready to let go yet.



I start work on Tuesday. That makes me sad. I wish I didn't have to work, but the money will certainly help and it will make me organize my time better. Sadly enough, that means I will miss Gilmore Girls next week...I need to find someone who can record it for me. I was talking to Kelly last night at Underground and she said she might be able to find me a better paying job with fewer hours. I told her to go for it. *thumbs up*

"Whoops-a-daisy..."

"WHO WOULD PAY $20 FOR THAT???"

Yesterday I went to the rally on the quad. Bumped into Dallas for the first time since last Wednesday. Butthead. Anyway, Sarah and I had dragged Scott out of bed to go with us. We listened to some speakers. I dumped all my change into the five-gallon jugs that were being passed around. And the UHS has set up a place where you can donate some of your meal plan to feed kids in Louisiana.

Sarah and I want to go to Louisiana to help. Wish we could find a way to.

Dallas and I went to Wal-mart last night...bought some more groceries. As we were walking around, we found the cheap DVDs. Crocodile Dundee on DVD was on sale for about $5.00, and I almost bought it for Mom and Rachel. I got Shaft because of the yummy Christian Bale and Swing Kids because it was $3.00. When we headed to the movie store, I rented Moonstruck and he got Dumb and Dumberer. Geeze. What a combo, right? Moonstruck wasn't that bad; slight ly overacted but not bad.

Nothing too important to report. I am going with my LinC class to paint a house for two surviving familes from New Orleans that will be staying up here a while. I am excited about that...every bit helps.

"Poker?"

I am currently watching MTV daytime television with Eistir and typing this, so I am sure it's going to take a long while.

I ended up riding the train back this morning because I couldn't get a hold of Dallas since Wednesay. Blah. And now he isn't calling me back or returning my IMs, which seems slightly dumb, but whatev.

I am tired...went to class today. Took a quiz in math lab which wasn't that fun. I couldn't remember how to do the first two problems for the life of me. Meh.

Scott was messing with me the entire chem class. He's so nice. Sarah and I are going to Encounter later...and I get to watch Gilmore Girls at 7:00. w00t. The new season starts next week!!!!!!!!!

"I will say this one time and one time only!"

My math professor is a buttmunch. He treats the students who don't know the correct answers like idiots, and granted, it's mainly algebra review, it still isn't nice. He was picking on people hxc style today. Must not have gotten any last night. *shrugs*

I just got back from comm. Eistir is skipping her first class, nothing unsual there. I am done for the day...now all I have to do is pull my stuff together and take a shower. That is it. And that is getting put off until like 2:00 or something late like that.

I got a random message from a guy on facebook. It went something along the lines of "Everyone is going home this weekend, and even though we don't know each other, I thought this might be a good time to hang out." He seems nice enough, couldn't hurt, right? Well, I asked for a raincheck since I shall be basking in the Glenwood night lights this evening and in Champaign tomorrow and more than likely on Sunday as well. Sorry, random facebook guy! And speaking of facebook, Aster Lesle added me and that made me happy. We 'bones stick together (I almost put 'boners, but that just sounds so dirty.).

I was thinking about something very amusing. I always use the fourth bathroom stall and the fourth shower. I don't use any of the other ones unless the fourth is filled. And I didn't even realize it until someone pointed it out. Meh.

I'm off to do some homework that is due on Tuesday but I don't to take home. Have a fantabulous weekend, my darlings. I will miss you, dear journal of mine.