"I wonder if you're listening, picking up on the signals sent back from within."

Neon pink hair. Nose ring. Black-framed glasses. Tattoos. An electric guitar. A dark stage. Singing a ballad to a silent crowd with a single spotlight. Then the lights come up and the band rocks out the remainder of the song. I sing lead.

No joke. Amazing. I sometimes wish I had to be as outrageous as I feel. I admire those women who wear themselves so loudly on the outside so everyone can see who they are. But at the same time, no one can be a rocker forever, right?

My dream: ^^^^ I want to be a rockstar. It's corny and clique. It's true. Don't you want to be a rockstar?

For now, I listen to my music on my headphones because my roommate doesn't dig the rock. I jump around my room to angry music when she's not here. A tear will silently slide down my cheek for a ballad.



I hear that you spend the first half of your life trying to fit in and the other half regretting not doing things differently. Why should you become a clone while trying to fit in when people should love you and want you the way you are? You should accept my occasional crying spout, my spontaneity, my want for chick flicks, my adoration of older professors, my heighth, weight, brown eyes and brown hair, my love of dogs, my ridiculously loud laugh, my love of SnS, my addiction to colored tennis shoes.

I just want to be goofy-ass Sarah Mae Lewis. Whether she has pink hair and tattoos doesn't really matter, does it? Why should it be so outlandish to want that?



Don't tell me that I can't be myself. You'd hurt me if you said you didn't like my crazy, talkative, know-everyone self. You'd hurt me if you said that this pink hair, tattooed, pierced girl with the electric guitar and rock band was not the girl for you. She goes along with the girl that goes to church, wears sweaters, and sleeps with her stuffed dog Spot. She is one and the same. If you can't accept that, then I bid you adieu.

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

"Like a school kid waiting for the spring..."

Come on, who else adores Love Actually? It's one amazing movie. Especially if you're a girl and love chick flicks. I came back to the room tonight after a late choir rehearsal and it was on.

Mallory said maybe five words to me last night and hasn't spoken to me since. I'm not sure how to take this. I can't believe that she hates me enough to give me the silent treatment.

I will be extremely busy until the end of the semester. I only have two weeks and then finals week...my last final is Dec. 14 so I'll be home that Friday (I think). I'm picking up a couple of extra shifts, too, which will be great for the Christmas shopping. :)

I had a fantastic break. Really. I think a large part of that was due to the fact that Ryan was staying with Mom and Rachel. Oh, and we really wanted to call Andrew one night after a few margaritas but we didn't have his number, lol.

Anyway, not much else to tell. So everyone, have a good day. Later.

I had meatloaf today for dinner. It was delicious and it made me think of Grandma Ev.

That is all.

"It's gonna blow!"

So I was trying to be productive today...and got a little ambitious, so I went downstairs to check the vacuum, which was defective. Or it hated me, either way. It didn't pick anything up off the floor. It was gross. And then the bag started to get bigger and I thought it was going to explode. Someone came over across the hall to check it out and we decided that I should return it to the front desk before it blew up all over my room. I had eight things to do on my "to do" list, and I've accomplished five. I am proud of my usually-lazy-self.

Since I told her I was moving out, Mallory has quit talking to me completely. I feel like an idiot when I talk to her. I know she hates, but I still want to be her friend, so what do I do? I have a conversation with her, minus her participation. I tell her an anecdote or tell her classes went well or blahblah. I always ask how her classes went or her tests or something equally boring and I all I get is a "fine." But hey, at least she's giving me that much. It's awkward with all the rest of my friends--they're really not sure how to respond to the fact that she acts as if I am not there. But I think everyone is getting used to it. The only noise in the room anymore is my music, her TV, or me chattering through a one-sided convo. It's actually kind of amusing if you think about it.

I am done with band class completely. Last night, two composers came in and answered any questions we had. Both were very intelligent and funny men...gotta love those music geeks. Jack Stamp kind of got up on a soap box about how we should keep music going because it has such a large impact on humanity. I'm not saying that I don't agree with him; it's just very amusing to me that a famous fanfair composer was standing in front of ISU's dinky little university band, mainly comprised of freshmen, and was harping about how important music is to the world.

I am done with classes tomorrow at 12:50 for break, but I can't go home until after work Saturday night on the 7:29 train. I hate getting home that late. Then I think I'm working at SnS Sunday night. I know I'll be working just about every day except for Thanksgiving. I'm trying to get on the lunch shift so my sleep schedule isn't messed up and I can see everyone after I get off work. :)

I got the final dl on my interview to be an RA. Since I qualify to be an RA next semester, I have both my group and individual interviews on December 1. I can't tell you how excited about this I am. A position is opening up for Colby 1 & 2, and that would be perfect because I wouldn't even moving very far.

Did I tell you excited I am about Thanksgiving break???

"Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low..."

My favorite song. And it's cheering me up this very moment.

Busy, busy, busy. I got this random phonecall from Jessie tonight...and since it caught me off guard, I laughed a little. You know what else I laughed about? We were at Encounter tonight and the whole row of people behind us was tone-deaf. Oh, Lordie. I was laughing because they obviously couldn't sing but they did it very loudly, and well, it made me happy that even know they probably knew they couldn't sing, they sang with all their hearts anyway, not really caring what the people in front of them (Andrew and myself) thought. I love it when people don't care what others think--it's fabulous.

I feel bipolar saying this, but I was sad tonight when I sat down to my desk to do some homework. My last few entries have been so happy and optimistic, and now I feel saddened and slightly drained. First of all, I miss Max. When I went home Friday, Chewy seemed so depressed, and I wanted Max to come back into my room to check on me like he always used to do. And second of all, I miss my roommate. She's here but she's not here. She isn't the person I loved last year, and I want to cry for her. I'm not sure what to do, but I don't think moving out will help her-it will only help me. You guys should see the two of us in our room. I sit looking at her while she keeps her back to me, trying to engage her in conversation. She'll give me one word answers until she gets tired of it then she'll just quit answering me. I love her, she used to be one of my best friends, but now she has put up these huge wall around her and it is very tres forte.

Happy November 15. Today is Dad's birthday, and he really is getting up there.

"Geeze, it's like we're back in high school!"

So my weekend was fantastic. I haven't had time to upload pictures or anything, but I will make sure to do it in the next couple of days. The ball was fabulous, the concerts went well.

I was so busy I missed all the drama happening on the 4th floor. I feel bad for one friend in particular. Too much drama. So I'm trying to be a good pal and burning her a crazy emo/angry music CD. I love how angry music lets you vent out some of your hostility.

Just homework and papers this week. Nothing major. But I found out that I do have to work at BK Saturday 10-6. Boo.....................It's a good thing I don't have to work at SnS until Sunday night. And break if looking like work and needed appointments (dentist, orthodontist, maybe a dr's check-up...and possibly a hair appointment). Oh, yeah, I have go to the Abraham Linolcn Library and Museum to get some extra credit for my history class. And Thanksgiving, lol. Oh, Thanksgiving. I've decided I'm bringing my own apple pie to dinner because there is always pecan and pumpkin and I hate both of them.

Anyway, hope everyone has a fabulous day. Later, kiddies.

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete everybody will respect you."

Lao-Tzu

So it's been a week. I bet you've been anxiously awaiting my next entry. And I'm sorry to say that it won't be riveting. :)

I've started to believe in fate more. I never really did before but now I'm starting to see that things happen for a reason. There always seem to be two very defined choices while making a decision, then your life heads in the direction of your choices. At each decision, you have two options. It's a network of decisions. So really you could have several different lives depending on what choices you make.

I feel like I've had puzzle pieces of my future a little spread out, and now they seem to be coming into place. At least the next three years of my life--thereabouts. I know what classes I'll be taking, where I'll be working. Knowing that makes me feel so much confident about what I am doing. I feel like I have a better focus on what's laying ahead.

And I'm happy. I am just happy in general. That makes the world a more beautiful place, and I feel better about everything, including myself.

Today was absolutely gorgeous. I was thrilled to able to walk around in my T-shirt without being cold. I wish I had a portable rake to put the leaves in a pile so I could jump into them and get pieces of leaf stuck in my hair and my clothes. Everyone was out on the quad playing frisbee or football or reading under a tree or just laying the grass trying to get a nap in between classes.

The rest of school before Thanksgiving break will be pretty hectic. I'll be home tomorrow night to do some laundry and celebrate Dad's birthday since I won't be home next week. I'll get back around 9:30 Saturday morning, work from 3-7, then rush through getting ready for Fall Ball. I'm a little sad that I won't be able to see Rachel's IMEA concert, but she knows that. And Sunday I have both a band and choir concert. Dad, Patty, and Rach plan on coming to the choir concert later on and then having some supper. It should be fun. :) Next week I have a couple of tests and do some homework that's due after break because we all know that I won't want to do it over break. I'll be back at Steak 'n Shake on Nov. 19, which is a private opening for some VIP (says the GM). I'm excited that Uncle Ron, Aunt Susan, and Ryan are coming!

Mom, have fun in St. Louis!

"Whoa, multi-tasker..."

On the phone, texting, IMing, blogging, eating some leftover Halloween candy, scratching my itchy legs, playing some solitaire, listening to my music. All while trying not to wake Mal up. :)

I'll upload some more pictures tomorrow when I can actually have the lights on.

I ran out of lotion and I don't think my legs have ever been this freaking itchy in my life. Driving me nuts. Scratching should be a full time job.

I slept through my first class, and when I woke up, I cried a little. You can only miss a couple of classes then your grade lowers after that. My effing alarm didn't go off. Other than that, my day went alright. Tonight Gabe and I dressed up in our costumes for band. He was a zookeeper...it was very amusing. He used his binoculars throughout class to check out the conductor--I think it weirded the conductor out a little.

Anywho. I'm very busy until Thanksgiving break (it starts Nov. 18).

I'm not sure when I'm going home or how the work schedule with play out. I'm calling them (SnS) tomorrow to see about the schedule. I don't even know if the new building will be done by then, but I do know that my regular manager that I worked for over the summer no longer works there. It's a bummer. Oh, and BK is alright. I really do like the people I work with, and they told me I could pick up some more shifts next semester--they like me. :D Apparently, I'm a good worker. But you know, I could have told you that.

This weekend I'm taking the Basic Skills test that all education majors have to take. It's kind of like the ACT--extremely long, boring test. That and work will eat up my whole Saturday. Next weekend I am going home for Friday to pick stuff up for the Fall Ball (Encounter's prom-type activity) which is that Saturday right after work. I think I might have a date but I'm not sure yet. I feel bad because I won't be able to eat with him beforehand, so he'll pick me up and we'll go straight to the dance. I feel like a high schooler...and I'm almost 20. And damn, do I feel old saying that.

Beyond that I have a few tests and few important papers. I'm just excited for break. This semester has FLOWN by. And if makes anyone happy to know: I will be student teaching in the Springfield area my eighth semester, which is only two years away. Holy crap, I'm turning into an adult!